Confusing and slightly disturbing
by THECATWILLDANCE
Summary: Rated R for... sex...
1. Male Abortions

Hermione walked quietly down the hotel hallway. She giggled seductively, "tee hee". George was waiting for her.  
  
Hermione entered the hotel room. seductively. George was waiting. seductively. He was only clad in his sparkly red man thong. Hermione giggled again. even more seductively, "Tee hee hee".  
  
George motioned for her to come. closer.  
  
They had sex. seductively.  
  
The next morning. Hermione found herself having coffee in the hotel's restaurant. seductively.  
  
George came in, "I have a confession to make."  
  
"What. hot lips?" Hermione asked.  
  
"I'm not George! I'm Fred and I may be pregnant!"  
  
"Really?" Hermione whispered, her chocolate eyes looked him up and down, and flickered to his lips. those hot hot hot lips. "Cause I may be pregnant too!"  
  
George ( I mean, Fred) screamed. Then they did a happy dance. seductively.  
  
"Is it my baby?" George (I mean, Fred) asked.  
  
Hermione shrugged, her sexy brown hair cascading down her shoulders. She smiled at Fred and said, "But I love George. I'm sorry Fred."  
  
Fred weeped silently, "Because my baby is yours."  
  
Hermione patted him on the back, "I'm sorry my love. I mean Tamino."  
  
"Who's Tamino?" he asked.  
  
"He's a sexy man in the Magic Flute."  
  
"Oh, okay."  
  
"Well, he's not what you call attractive, but he's sexy!" screamed an old woman who came out of nowhere. And then disappeared back to the gilbert house.  
  
Hermione was about to walk off when Fred called, "What about our sappy farewell?"  
  
Hermione ran back to him, "Farewell." she whispered. seductively.  
  
A week later, Hermione found out that the baby was Draco's. Or was it Harry's? No, it was Draco's.  
  
Are you sure?  
  
Yes.  
  
So then, Hermione went to Malfoy Manor and told Draco the news.  
  
"But we didn't have sex!"  
  
"Oh well!" Hermione shrugged. "It's still yours!"  
  
Then George spontaneously walked in, "Hey! What about me?" He then bitch- slapped Draco. And then proceeded to leave using the window as an exit.  
  
"You could've used the huge oak doors, doofus," Malfoy called down to George who was sprawled on the ground, moaning in pain.  
  
Hermione used this time to call out the window, her sexy brown hair falling around her face. seductively, "George, I must tell you. Draco and I are eloping."  
  
"We are?" asked Draco.  
  
"YES!!!! JUST GO WITH IT YOU MUDBLOOD HATING FOOL!!!" Draco backed off.  
  
Draco smiled sheepishly, "Baaaaaa! I mean. okay."  
  
Then Fred walked in. seductively, "Guess what Hermione? I got an abortion! Because I don't believe in men having babies."  
  
Hermione smiled, "I hate abortions. cause I'm a Christian freak!"  
  
And then she pushed Fred out the window. And there he fell on top of George.  
  
"ABORT THAT!" she screamed, "YOU BABY KILLER! WHAT WOULD JESUS DO FRED? WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?"  
  
And then Fred realized he was on top of George. And George realized he was under Fred, "Hey! You slept with my girlfriend!" George cried.  
  
"We did more than sleep." he smiled. Then George tried to kill him. but Fred killed George instead. And then George's ghost came from the dead and killed Fred. So then they were both dead, and ghosts. and so they had a lightsaber fight in prom dresses forever on the back of a flying camel smoking a frying pan. seductively.  
  
Back to Draco and Hermione.  
  
"So, wanna elope?" Draco asked casually, as if this were not a dramatic moment.  
  
"OKAY!" Hermione yelled, forgetting to undo the caps lock.  
  
So they eloped.  
  
The end.  
  
Tune in next time to find out how Draco was born. and how Mrs. Norris seduces Harry!  
  
Please Review! 


	2. Mrs Norris Sex Goddess

Mrs. Norris was walking. nude. however she was a cat, so it did not matter to anyone. Harry was also walking down this hall. Suddenly they were flying through a giant tube, and they found themselves in the past. with napoleon in the future eating ice cream from the past. nude. Though they were only at a bowling alley, they seeked the privacy of underneath a bench. This was not as romantic as it could have been, because there was an old man with a gas problem .. Nude. sitting on the bench. Out of nowhere the entire bowling alley was covered in rose petals, candles, and dim lighting. Harry decided this would be a great time to have sex. So he did. with a cat. Nude. MRS. NORRIS AS A MATTER OF FACT!!!!!!!! Remember this is in the past, that's a key part. Magically, (and nudely) she magically turned into a beautiful woman. She had flowing blond hair and was extremely sexy, and nude. Okay she was dressed, but only in a plastic tuxedo and socks.  
  
"You are a rapist!" She cried angrily. "So I will cast a magical spell on you and your evil penis of DOOM!!! You will become a TWISTY PRETZEL until you prove that you are emotionally stable!"  
  
Then, without a sound or flashy exit, she disappeared. Harry became a pretzel.  
  
************************  
  
Meanwhile, while Harry was a pretzel, and very confused. Mrs. Norris/Beautiful woman had a child. But it was 9 months later. Thought I'd mention that. A blond child. nude. Under an olive tree with camels and many rabbits, and she named this child Darco. Because it was a DARK (hahahahahahahahaha get it??) and mysterious name. She didn't know what to do. So in the end, she left the baby on a door-step. On a condom, (for the whole irony of it all, and also because she couldn't find a piece of paper,) she wrote IN HER OWN BLOOD, "Darco". When Narcissus Malfoy (hahahahahaha, betcha didn't see that coming!!) picked this boy up, she discovered she was illiterate. And Nude. Sounding out the words on the condom.  
  
"D.raaa.dra.co!!!" She decided to name the baby Phillip.  
  
But when her husband, (LUSCIOUS MALFOY) found the boy, he knew he could never have a son named Philip. The name on the condom was close to the word dragon in latin, which was a great name for HIS son. That name, DRAGON, also tends to compensate for some things.  
  
******************************  
  
Thirteen years later Harry and Draco were bound to meet again. Striding proudly into the great hall Draco Malfoy was having a good day, he was also wearing a cloak, BUT NOTHING ELSE. Underneath that cloak he was nude, nude, nude, nude naked. He then began to make out (I don't know why, it needs action) with a beautiful muggle girl with curly dark brown hair, and another one with short dark/blond hair. AT THE SAME TIME.  
  
"Could you get a room???" says Harry boyishly. But then began to make out with a sexy blond muggle.  
  
Somewhere off in the corner hair a curly. um. brown haired. um. well her name was Molly was making out with a sex god in the corner of the castle. And that's that.  
  
Tune in next time where we find out how HARRY was born. it has to do, yet again, with time travel.  
  
To all our lovely reviewers, we'd like to say thanks! We've never heard so many references to mentally unstable people and the crack pipe. However, we are here to inform you that we are not on the pipe, there are more than one ways to take crack you know. Just a fact, NOT SUGGESTING ANYTHING. And to "a person", who suggests to us that men can't have babies, WE KNOW THAT IDIOT! THAT'S WHY HE HAD AN ABORTION. Anyway we're flattered that you've taken our story so seriously to actually get ANGRY!! You people are great. Love ya'..nudely. 


	3. Return to Never Never Land

Chapter Three, Return to Never Never Land

Ron was making out with Hermione. As his hand slid up her shirt, she pushed him away... sensuously. "I'm not ready Ron. I'm not... sensual enough," Hermione exclaimed, "To be your... CHEAP WHORE!"

"That's okay Hermione, I'll go find another CHEAP WHORE to be my CHEAP WHORE!" Ron stood and zipped up... sensuously.

Hermione ran away crying... sensuously.

While Ron was contemplating where he was going to find a whore house in Hogwarts. Perhaps WhorePUFF would do. RapinSlut might too. Grippinwhore.

Or possibly Slytherin.

In the midst of his contemplation, he ran into the library where Neville was sprawled ... sensuously, on a polar bear rug. His bear skin coat barely covering his manliness. Ron looked up to see a sign simply saying: "RESTRICTED".

This was fairly symbolic.

Neville glanced up from his book... Unforgettable.... sensuously. He bit his pinky. His diamond pierced nail chipped his tooth. "Ouchies." He whispered... sensuously.

"Five dollars for a quickie?" Neville asked, stroking his porn-stache, sensuously.

"Okay!"

They had a quickie... sensuously. In the middle of the Restricted section.

It turned out Neville was a time travel sex machine. Ron wasn't aware of this though. Ron ran his fingers through Neville's sticky locks. He had candy in there! Ron pulled it out and licked it, "This is yummy..."

Suddenly Ron was sucked down a giant time traveling tube... sensuously. But only somewhat sensuously.

Okay, now what?

He found himself, once again in the restricted section of the library. "What? I thought this was time travel."

He looked up to see an auburn maned (not a horse) sex goddess galloping towards him... (once again, not a horse) sensuously. "Sorry, I must prepare for the school play/sex-rite. Want to... help?"

Ron blanched. "Okay..."

Ron pondered his sexuality. What was he? Man or beast? Sensuously.

* * *

FIVE HOURS LATER

"I'm pregnant, and I'm Lily... Sensual...I mean, Evans," she said twirling her hair... sensuously. And popping bubble gum because she's stupid.

* * *

NINE MONTHS LATER

"Ouchies," Lily sighed as she popped yet another muffin out of the oven.

"Waaaaaah." the muffin... er, baby cried... sensuously. No seriously, it's a baby. People don't just give birth to pastries on a regular basis. Or so We believe.

"I'm like a sensual bakery," Lily pondered.

James, the "father" came in. NObody questioned his paternity. Or his manhood. Unless they wanted their head lights smashed and their car raped. Tail pipes stood no chance against James.

"I must explain this scenario. James had to marry me because I was pregnant and the REAL father abandoned me to go back to his sex machine... sensuously," Lily explained to the baby.

It drooled.

"My muffin," she purred.

It pooed.

James decided to leave. This was TOO disturbing. Ron reappeared.

"My ... croissant of passion, I just realized something, I'm in the past!" Ron yelled.

Lily glared, "You've been here for nine months you dimwit. You just noticed? Holy hell and spitfire! Even I knew! And I'm only passing my classes because of my sexcellent 'extracurricular activities' AKA Lap dances."

Ron shrugged. "McGonagall is quite the tipper." He snapped his man thong and slapped his ass at the same time! Lily nodded.

We know you're trying this amazing feat. Try it with both hands... sensuously.

"I think I'll name this muffin... I mean child... Harry," Lily cooed.

"What about Phillip?" Ron suggested.

Lily neighed, "NO! Harry..."

"I just noticed, he has red hair. Isn't James his 'father'?" Ron winked... sensuously.

Lily pulled her wand out from between her legs, "I know some sexcellent hair dye spells! See this auburn mane? It's really a brownish red color."

Ron pondered this.... sensuously.

"REDBEGONE!" Lily yelled. Nothing happened.

People turned and stared.

"Um... BLACKABLE!" His hair and skin color turned a nice jet black.

"Whoops." Lily said, "I burnt my muffin."

Ron sighed. "Here..." He muttered an incoherent Latin spell under his breath that sounded suspiciously like... "CHEAP WGI=89."

Harry was normal.

"I need to leave now." Ron pulled out some hard candy and whispered to Lily, "You put the passion fruit in my champagne." And disappeared.

Lily wistfully whispered, "You are the shish kabob of my life," into the thin air.

* * *

Back in the future... sensuously.

It took another three months for Ron to realize that Harry just might be his child. "Oh, wow, my best friend is my son."

"Oh gee," Harry muttered, "How could that be?"

Ron shrugged, "I have no clue... hey, could I try to dye your hair green?"

Harry nodded.

"GREENTASTIC!" Ron yelled flamboyantly. It didn't work. "Yes..." Ron hissed.

"Um, it didn't work," Harry replied... sensuously.

"That's the whole point son... I mean Harry," Ron said with his hand on his hip... sassily. FORESHADOWING.

END OF THIS.

A/N: Thank you everyone for reviewing. Except for everyone who HATES us. That's 88% of you. We actually averaged this. For those of you who try this out... we lied. Doggy hair.

However we accepted the fact that you're all DUMB! We now enter WWIII Authors vs. Reviewers.

To HarryGinny: This isn't the worst story on the site. Harry Potter and the Prophesy's Other Half. Go read this and promptly barf on it. I VOMIT ON YOU.

To Kessa Potizma: I wouldn't talk if I were you. Check out your sn. Do you kiss your motha' with that mouth? "Hello. I am the first known worshiper of the great pot land." We mangle your words!!!!

To Goddess24: Condoms ROCK! Make sure those eggs don't get fertilized.

We're flaming lesbians just so you know.


	4. Fuck or Treat Bitch: Carrots of the Womb

CHAPTER 4... Fuck or treat bitch – CARROTS OF THE WOMB  
  
charlie was strolling into the woods ...sassily. all of the sudden!... a dragon jumped out of the sky and bit his magical horn (you know what we mean)...BIT OFF ...NO MORE PENIS FOR YOU!  
  
next paragraph  
  
"damn" said charlie sassily "that hurt"  
  
"capitalize your pro-nouns bitch!" the dragon hissed and he swirled off majestically into the wild blue yonder....  
  
"He is so right" Charlie thought to him self in a sassy manor. "Well... I can't go on with out a penis...uh I mean magical horn. I should grow a new one."  
  
And for the next hour and a half he did...try that is to grow a penis.  
  
He failed.  
  
Just then ...VOLDEMORT walked by with his pants down, free as a bird that man!...So Charlie decided to get sassy.  
  
"Why aren't you out killing ...babies"  
  
"Because I'd rather make some...with you..." Voldy pounced.  
  
"I have no receptacle for your penis...I mean magical horn, but I'd be happy to take it from you grab" Charlie accidentally said that last part out loud... "I'm just too sassy"  
  
And so Charlie grabbed... and escaped with Voldy's penis (and DNA)... we mean magical horn...sassily  
  
"Penis?" Voldemort looked down lonesomely. He shed a single tear of blood "my first day as a woman and it's already that time of the month." And he shuffled off to steal some chocolate and vote for John Kerry...only juvenile delinquent's vote Kerry, them and EVIL wizards with out penii. Evil wizards get two...they are privilaged like cats with their lives...but Voldemort umm lost his other one when he tried to kill harry...DUH  
  
"Wait," pondered Lady Godiva Lili, "does that mean his vagina is his eye?"  
  
"Well," sassed Lady Vienna Sky, "Maybe Voldemort isn't that well versed in the art of female anatomy."  
  
Now Voldemort looks like Bob Dylan.  
  
"Dirty, DIRTY old man," muttered Lady Bernadette Gray Eyes. Molly. GASP. NOW SHE KNOWS HER OWN NAME.  
  
"Bitch jawbreaker," was Lady Fritza Sunflower's only response.  
  
"We're cool," stated Lady Vienna. She needs the reassurance every once in a while.  
  
BACK TO STORY  
  
So then Charlie found his sister...you know which one we are talking about ..Jeannie  
  
Robin Williams appeared out of a lamp "Beeeeeee aggressive."  
  
okay!  
  
Charles approached Ginny with his pants down and his new magical horn exposed.  
  
"You know now that I have Voldemort's DNA ..among other things..heh...it wouldn't be incest if you touched my magical horn..." He winked sassily.  
  
Ginny looked doubtful  
  
"It will grant all your Halloween wishes come true." Charlie reasoned with sass.  
  
"True-dat" Ginny sassed herself...oooo kinky "I have a jawbreaker in my mouth and I don't know why!" Ginny exclaimed  
  
"That's not a jawbreaker...Thats my ...MAGICAL HORN!"  
  
"Oooooh that's why it's taking so long to chew." Ginny Realized with sass.  
  
SEX  
  
more SEX  
  
"Whew! I haven't been laid like that since...the chamber of secrets. And that hunk of burning love Tom Farmer..i mean Riddle.  
  
"Say what?!" Charlie sassed his love mate...no longer his sister (that would be sick). "You rolled in the hay with HIM, you tossed the salad with HIM, you ...you did the horizontal tango with HIM...loved between the sheets?" (you learn these things on Oprah)  
  
"WHAT are you talking about????"  
  
"SEX" Charlie squealed.  
  
"Oh yes that," Ginny grinned off hand, "Why do you think I was down there so long passed out on the cold floor?"  
  
"You were dead?"  
  
"Close, near dead exhausted from wild SEX."  
  
Charlie accepted this with a nod. He stood up along with Ginny and they both frolicked into the wild blue yonder to join the dragon... sassily.

* * *

To our wonderful (and not so wonderful) reviewers:  
  
Chocolate Teddy Bear: (Wonderful) Can I eat you?  
  
Sk8er-gal89: (Wonderful) No need to censor yourself around us. fucKing, see?  
  
Phorpus: (Not so Wonderful (Bastard)) Where the fuck ARE you? Hey, hey, were we the ones who discouraged you from continuing your story? Because if one of us was... tee hee. May I call you Porpus from now on? You unsuspecting fucktard.  
  
Mimi: (GAG YOU) Yeah you really suck.  
  
TextualDeath: (WONDERFUL) Thank you for clarifying for Porpus his stupidity. I think your name should be SexualDeath.  
  
Scifidoublefeature: (Wonder...) You give great compliments. But your analogies don't make sense.  
  
Mary Jane Smith: (say wha?) It's in the damn title: Confusing and slightly Disturbing.  
  
I don't quite remember: (same as above) Yay, now we can use the insults we receive on You! What are you on? 


End file.
